Ramblings

It’s been a big couple of weeks at our house – the day after Thanksgiving we submitted all our many documents for our Home Study! And our baby girl turned two on December 2. Both seem like quite an accomplishment! We are now awaiting the call from our social worker to schedule the actual Home Study, and we are hopeful this will happen within the next couple of weeks. From what we understand this will consist of 4 interviews over 3 days, and a lot of the time will be spent being educated by our social worker about the process, answering our questions, and generally helping prepare us for adoption. I can’t wait to get this going! It has been a rather long process, and quite frustrating, considering there isn’t much we can do to speed things up. We are doing all we can do, as quickly as we can do it, but with all our responsibilities, we truthfully can’t dedicate every moment to the process like we would like to. The Lord has been teaching us a lot, even in these weeks of working and waiting on the process. Corey has reminded me several times when I have been frustrated that God has a plan for exactly the child He wants to be a part of our family, and nothing we can do (or not do) will change that plan. She will be ours, in His perfect timing. Trusting Him with the timing is hard. I have had many moments of being consumed by the process, the gathering of documents, filling out forms, reading required material, etc.  Balancing that with our three girls and my other responsibilities has been overwhelming. But, God is good, and just when I feel like I’m at a breaking point, He provides a way out. I got a chance to spend a few days with my mom & sister in Asheville, North Carolina in November for my sister’s 30^th birthday, and it was truly a breath of fresh air. The Lord knew I needed to get away from all the pressures my life, and enjoy time with people who know me best, with no expectations, no responsibilities. It was incredible (plus, it’s a beautiful and interesting place – you should check it out!). Corey was a champ for taking on all three girls for three days on his own. And I’ll brag on him a little – when I came home, the house was clean, laundry and dishes done! Guys, he has set the bar high!

This whole paper pregnancy is a difficult road to walk, and a little surreal. Having carried three babies, and right now getting to watch my sister and some dear friends in their pregnancies, I have been remembering what that feels like – the discomfort, the constant trips to the bathroom, the difficulty sleeping. But also the miracle of feeling your baby kick and move and grow! I got to watch my nephew rolling around in Holly’s tummy over Thanksgiving, and I can remember what that feels like as if it were yesterday. It’s just beginning to hit me that these are things I will not get to experience with baby Russell #4. Of course, I am not complaining about getting to miss the morning sickness and stretch marks; I am just beginning to feel a sense of loss in not going through those things with our baby girl.  I held my sweet friend Courtney’s baby boy a few weeks ago & fought back the tears the whole time. He was so precious and sweet as I held him while he slept, and I knew looking at him that most likely someone else will have those moments with my baby, and I will not. I pray that whoever holds her loves her, that whether it’s her birth mother or a nanny in an orphanage that they tell her how precious and loved she is. My heart breaks to think that she may not hear those things. I ache to have her with me, to make up for lost time…and yet, that day will probably still be at least a year in the making. How can a person long for someone they’ve never met??? Having only the promise, the hope of her is enough to make me love this baby girl like the ones to whom I physically gave birth! I keep reminding my girls that even though we don’t know much about our baby – when we will bring her home, how old she will be, what her name will be – God does. It is a comfort to know that He knows her name, her birthday, her entire life. I have never had to trust the Lord with so much, and though it is hard, I know He is growing my faith. Just this week in my Bible study God gave me some verses to encourage & challenge me:

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.” Philippians 4:6-8

I have actually been quoting the first part to myself a lot these days, because quite honestly, there is a lot of temptation to anxiety right now. When I take my eyes off the Lord, when I listen to the voices of the world, I get can get anxious really fast. Seriously, from the world’s perspective, what we’re doing is crazy! And there are moments when I believe the world. So when I read verse 8 of this passage I was challenged to not only pray & relinquish my worries to the Lord, but to actively take my thoughts captive, making them obedient to Christ. I need to submit to Him, and think about things that are true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent & praiseworthy. Our thoughts can be so powerful, and I want mine to honor the Lord. God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good!

Lately, I find myself being forced to live in the moment, because each day is so full. I don’t have much time to plan ahead. I am more intentional with my time than I have ever been, but even so, there are so few moments to spare. There are good things about this. My prayer has been that I will do the important things and not neglect them, and that I will let go of the things that are really not so important. In that spirit, on Lila’s 2^nd birthday this week, the two of us spent a few hours alone together, just playing! I’m a little sad to say this is pretty rare. Usually there are two other sisters, and many responsibilities to compete for my attention. So a few hours of uninterrupted time was truly a gift! We read books, did puzzles, took a walk down our street, and laughed a lot. Two seems so big – she’s not such a baby anymore! I hope I don’t forget to take time to really see my kids for who they are. They are so beautiful and special, each in their own way. I love being their mom.

So these are the ramblings of my over-crowded mind! Life is so busy, but oh, so good. And each day brings us closer to making our family complete.

some thoughts from Julia

It's hard to even know where to begin to describe this journey we've been on that has brought us to this place. The past several months have been some of the most tumultuous, heart-wrenching times of my life. And yet, once we made our decision to adopt, I've never felt such peace in knowing we are right where we need to be. My heart has been broken again and again, both for the suffering of so many in this world of ours, and for my own ignorance and willingness to turn a deaf ear to the cries of hurting people. I could probably write a book about what the Lord has taught me about these things, but I will refrain (for now :))!

I wish that I could say that I always had a heart for adoption. So many of the adoption stories I have read speak of a life-long yearning to adopt a child, and that this is just the right time for them. But that is not my story. And to be honest, at first, it gave me pause as to whether this was a calling for me - after all, doesn't every child deserve to have parents that were always longing for them? That was just one among many reasons I listed as to why I should not do this. I wrote them down in my journal after we began discussing the possibility of adopting, and the list was long! My life is busy as it is...I was totally content with my 3 girls...sometimes the 3 I already have overwhelm me...I gave away most of my baby things...I don't think I have the energy for 4 kids...the list went on & on! Everything from the trivial (but I'm not good at keeping up with pictures/blogs/etc. for the 3 I have now!) to the truly daunting (me? raise a precious brown-skinned girl in my mostly vanilla world?) crossed my mind. But what the Lord kept showing me is that I was looking at what man can do, what I can do by myself. And He has me exactly where He wants me: needing Him to do what He calls me to do, giving Him all the glory because clearly none of it belongs to me.

"In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps." (Proverbs 16:9). Were my life up to me, I would be well on my way to having a little time for myself. Or at least that was what I had started looking forward to - next year, Lila would be in pre-school with Addie two days a week and I could finally do a little grocery shopping by myself! I could get laundry done and put away all in one day! I might even have lunch with a friend on occasion without wrestling someone into a high chair or trying to coax someone into eating her chicken nugget. And on an even holier note, I could finally have time to lead a Bible study or serve on a ministry (side note- God called me out of the blue to serve in leadership in a Bible study this year just a few weeks before we sensed the calling to adopt. I truly believe He was, in part, giving me an opportunity to test my obedience in a much smaller calling, before He allowed me to see what bigger things He wanted me to do for Him!). And to top it all off, as most of my friends and family can attest, I was clearly sooo done having kids. I love the precious girls I have, but they are not exactly a cake walk. Russell girls are nothing if not strong-willed and dramatic! But God has a way of changing our minds. And He's pretty persuasive.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-6

The words to that Proverb have been going around & around in my head for weeks now (actually, I've been singing those words to the tune of two different songs I've taught my kids!). I can't say that I completely understand how to trust in the Lord with all my heart, or what it means to acknowledge Him in all my ways, but I'm choosing to take steps of faith that show I believe His word to be true, and that His promises never fail. And God is faithful to grow my understanding of Him as I trust Him more! It occurred to me after weeks of reciting these words in my head and of reminding myself to trust Him, that one of the things He wants to teach me is at the end of that verse: He will make your paths straight. It doesn't say He will make your paths easy. It doesn't say He will make your paths popular or loads of fun. But He does say that He will make them straight. When we trust & acknowledge Him, He directs us, shows us the way to go, and walks with us on the path. And there is great comfort in that.  As we have begun this new chapter of our lives in adopting a baby from Ethiopia there have been many temptations to fear. But He is good to remind me that I fear when I start trusting in the world more than I trust Him. His mercies are new every morning...great is His faithfulness! I can't say that we have this whole thing figured out, or that we know what the next 12-18 months will hold. But I can say that it is remarkable how God can take a woman who was "so done" having kids and ready to move on to that next chapter in life that doesn't include diapers, and give me a longing for the baby girl who is most likely growing in the belly of a woman somewhere in Ethiopia right now. Knowing that she will likely spend several months of her life in an orphanage, without hearing me whisper "I love you" a million times a day and kiss her sweet cheeks like I did with my biological babies breaks my heart. But the thought that if I were to say no to adopting her, she would probably grow up never hearing it breaks my heart more. How could I say no, knowing that?

I know, lots of heavy stuff. But its been rolling around in my head for months, and it feels good to share it! Thank you to all of you who have been so supportive of us and excited about what God has in store for our family - we are so blessed to be in a community of loved ones who is on board & ready to take the ride with us!

PS - Don't you love our Go. Seek. Love. shirts?  Our friend's the Cox's are also adopting a baby girl from Ethiopia & sold these t-shirts to help bring her home. You missed your chance to get the shirts, but check out their blog to get some great coffee and support them! (And hopefully someday I'll get a picture of my whole family looking at the camera & smiling. Maybe.)

New plans...

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”  Jeremiah 29:11

Well, I’m just glad He knows the plan, because it is apparent that we do not!  We are learning that sometimes God clues you into his plans slowly but surely, giving you hints along the way.  We are learning that other times He just drops it on you all at once.  Even though you can look back and see how He has prepared you for his plans, you still never saw it coming.

 Julia and I have been married for over 11 years.  Over the last 7 of them, God has blessed us with a family of 3 daughters.  After we had Lila a little less than 2 years ago, we decided that three was our magic number and that our family was complete. 

 It is clear that His plans are not our plans. We are adopting.  A baby girl.  From Ethiopia.  See what I mean about dropping it on you all at once!  The shock that you feel reading that is the same shock we had hearing it from the Lord.  Julia and I never even talked about adoption – not before we started our family and definitely not when we decided that our family was complete.  So, you can imagine what a total life-shift this is for us.  We thought we were done and we were content with that.  But it’s funny how God changes our plans. About six months ago, Julia had a conversation with Emma that went a little like this:  

Emma: "Mama, when do you think we're going to have another baby?"

Julia (trying not to be too smug, considering this option is off the table...permanently): "I'm pretty sure we're not going to have any more babies in our house."

Emma (head cocked & with a sassy voice): "Well, you never know what God has planned for you!"

Julia (humbled): "That is true."

 Little did we know how prophetic those words would prove to be! As God began to put this on our hearts, there was no doubt that it was from Him.  As I said, we had never even talked about adoption.  So, wanting to be fully confirmed in this, we decided to dedicate a month to fasting from TV to study and pray over this. (we did make an exception and agreed to watch TV on the weekends – After all, God is a Cowboys fan and “we” didn’t want to miss out on watching His team play).  Here are a few of things that have been instrumental in preparing us to do this and confirming that we have been called to adopt:

  

·                     Several years ago, God began working on our hearts about generosity.  We really began to realize what it meant for everything to be His.  We learned about good stewardship and laying up treasure in heaven.  We were taught that He gives us more than we need so that we can be generous in taking care of the needs of others and doing His work.  It is not so that we can consume or hoard or take care of every possible “want” we think we “need”.  Probably one of the greatest concepts for us was learning what it means to have an eternal vision.  That we need to stop investing in the things that would be worthless at the end of our lives here and start investing in the things that would have an impact for eternity.  Randy Alcorn calls it “living for the line and not the dot.”  That is, if eternity is a timeline and our lives on earth are just a small dot on that line, why do we pump so much money, time and energy into that dot instead of the whole line?

·                     In the Spring of 2009, Julia and I went to a conference in Scottsdale, Arizona where we got to hear Donald Miller speak.  He talked about how life is basically God giving us some paper and some pens and markers and asking us to tell Him a story with our lives.  He was saying that we need to have a story worth telling.  It was pretty convicting that our lives looked extremely ordinary and plain for people who believe in Jesus.

·                     Julia had just gotten the book, The Hole in Our Gospel and was beginning to read it when we began feeling this call.  We both read through it during our TV fast and it has been life-changing.  Read it – go buy it today and be prepared to be confronted with some difficult truths.  Reading through this, I realized how hard we have worked to insulate ourselves from anything “bad.”  We have built up our own little world that is oblivious to all the pain and suffering in the rest of the world.  We have created our own kingdoms that fill the space that God wants for His Kingdom.  We are blinded from seeing His will and we miss out on so many of His blessings because of it.  We move into nice neighborhoods with good schools and because we don’t see the pain and suffering happening all around the rest of the world we forget about our responsibility to be Jesus’ hands and feet.  We don’t go, we don’t seek and the world is not revolutionized by the very people that have all the reasons to do it.  That’s just the tip of the iceberg for what we got out of this book – I can’t promote it enough.

·                     As we began researching about adoption, we came across this blog:  http://www.kissesfromkatie.blogspot.com/.  Now, I’ll tell you that what God is doing through this young woman and her obedience to His call is absolutely incredible.  We read every post that she has ever written on there and were completely taken aback by how she is being used by God for orphans and the suffering people in her community in Uganda.  Reading through this was an incredible complement to The Hole in Our Gospel.  This quote from her blog was very relevant to us:

 “ADOPTION IS GOD’S HEART.  He sets the lonely in families.  Adoption is the reason that I can come before God’s throne and beg Him for mercy, because He predestined me to be adopted as His child through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will – to the praise of his glorious grace, which he has freely given us in the One he loves.  My family, adopting these children, it is not optional.  It is not my good deed for the day; it is not what I am doing to ‘help these poor kids out.’  I adopt because God commands me to care for the orphans and the widows in their distress.  I adopt because to whom much has been given, much will be demanded.  I adopt because whoever finds his life will lose it but whoever loses his life for HIS sake will find it.” 

·                     After beginning this process, we became aware of so many people that we know through our church or from ACU that have or are adopting trans-racially.  To realize that there will already be several families that we know that will look like ours is comforting.  In fact, I almost fell out of my chair when I read through some friends of ours from college who are also adopting from Ethiopia.  There story and process for coming to this point in their lives is so much like ours, it is a little freaky.

These are just a few of the things that have gotten us to this point.  We sent in our application with American World Adoption Association and were accepted on October 14th into their program.  We ask for your prayers as we begin to do something that we feel we can only do with God’s help.  Three kids often feel very overwhelming to us, so we know that the Holy Spirit will need to be very active in us in order to get through many days in a way that honors Him.  We will begin the process of learning what a trans-racial family has to deal with.  We know that the difficulties and struggles will be many, but we also know that obeying this call is not an option.  We also know that the joys we will have in following His leading and bringing this little one into our family will strongly outweigh those struggles.  I’m already envisioning the things our girls will learn about race and about family and about love……..and the things that Julia and I will learn about them all too.  We will be rescuing a little girl from a life of poverty and loneliness, but I’m not so sure she won’t be rescuing us from so much more….