How do I speak of unspeakable things in the grocery store aisle or in a passing call from a neighbor on the phone? Words fail me. How do I share with openness and vulnerability, yet protect the things that are sacred? I do not know. And so, I have hardly spoken of it all in the days since returning home.
I wish I were a musician and could create a melody that stirs the soul with all the crescendos of joy and the dissonance of heartache we have felt. Or an artist whose colors could convey without words the glory we have beheld. But those are not my gifts. And so, I write, knowing full well that words alone are woefully insufficient.
She is precious and she is broken, through no fault of her own. To search those chocolate eyes long prayed for and to see the fear and confusion reflected back and know there is nothing I can do to convince her I am safe, I am home, I am forever...it tears me apart.
I understand her hesitation. I wouldn't trust me either. Life has taught her that people leave. Where she is feels safe, and praise God it is the best possible place for her for now. But as she screamed, pushed us away, and did her very best to escape our arms and run back to the familiar I couldn't help but yearn for her to know that as good as it is, what we are offering is infinitely better! Not perfect, and truthfully, flawed. But better.
I am not so naive as to believe our love will heal all her hurts. The reality of her suffering is that it will follow her throughout her life. Her wounds run deep, and I can't pretend I have the cure. Like every one of us, her ultimate healing will only come from the love of her heavenly Father. I pray fervently she learns to accept it.
What I can offer my hurting baby girl is hope. Love unconditional. A place that will be home forever. She doesn't know it yet, but we have fought for her for a long time. Maybe someday she will understand all that we went through to make her our own, and maybe she won't. But we will continue to fight for her, as long as it takes. We are in this for the long haul. We have chosen her, called her our daughter and covenanted to love her.
It's not that our moments meeting our girl were filled with the sadness...weighty is more like it. There were moments of unadulterated joy when we caught glimpses of the girl the Lord created her to be - spunky, opinionated, strong willed and playful. Our kind of girl! But the flashes of light faded quickly, replaced by shadows of distrust and a wall of protection she no doubt learned early on to raise when she feels threatened. But it is there, the resilience of one whose spirit has been crushed but not broken, and I pray that she will learn in time to accept our love and live in freedom.
People have said in recent days how lucky she is, and I know they mean well. They have said how precious it is that God made her just for us. But I beg to differ on both accounts. I don't believe much in luck. I believe in the sovereignty of God. I believe that, as Corey has written before, it was not an accident that He placed our daughter in another mother's womb. I don't believe he caused the events leading to her mother being unable to care for her, but I do believe he wept as he allowed the choices of broken people in a broken world to take place. I believe that in mysterious ways too complex for my mind to comprehend He knew we would be her family, and he orchestrated events to bring her to us. He loved her so much, and yet he allowed pain to enter into her little world from the beginning. I can't pretend to understand why, only to press on in who I know Him to be. He is good. I believe He is a God of redemption, and that he is eager to use her pain to write the most beautiful of stories into her life.
Soon, these words of God the Father to Jeremiah will hang on her walls-
"Before I formed you, I knew you; before you were born I set you apart."
There is promise in those words. Known by God from before time began! Created with great value and purpose! I am eager to begin speaking these truths and others into her life. What Satan intended for evil, God will use for good.
I have often meditated on these words from Isaiah over the past week-
"Forget the former things;
do not dwell on the past.
See, I am doing a new thing!
Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the desert
and streams in the wasteland"
Isaiah 43:18-19
If I strain my eyes, I can begin to see the water flowing fresh through the cracked, dry earth. It's a trickle at best, but I'm training my eyes to watch it grow. One day, hopefully soon, we'll splash in the streams. And all the earth will cry, "GLORY!"
