Ramblings

It’s been a big couple of weeks at our house – the day after Thanksgiving we submitted all our many documents for our Home Study! And our baby girl turned two on December 2. Both seem like quite an accomplishment! We are now awaiting the call from our social worker to schedule the actual Home Study, and we are hopeful this will happen within the next couple of weeks. From what we understand this will consist of 4 interviews over 3 days, and a lot of the time will be spent being educated by our social worker about the process, answering our questions, and generally helping prepare us for adoption. I can’t wait to get this going! It has been a rather long process, and quite frustrating, considering there isn’t much we can do to speed things up. We are doing all we can do, as quickly as we can do it, but with all our responsibilities, we truthfully can’t dedicate every moment to the process like we would like to. The Lord has been teaching us a lot, even in these weeks of working and waiting on the process. Corey has reminded me several times when I have been frustrated that God has a plan for exactly the child He wants to be a part of our family, and nothing we can do (or not do) will change that plan. She will be ours, in His perfect timing. Trusting Him with the timing is hard. I have had many moments of being consumed by the process, the gathering of documents, filling out forms, reading required material, etc.  Balancing that with our three girls and my other responsibilities has been overwhelming. But, God is good, and just when I feel like I’m at a breaking point, He provides a way out. I got a chance to spend a few days with my mom & sister in Asheville, North Carolina in November for my sister’s 30^th birthday, and it was truly a breath of fresh air. The Lord knew I needed to get away from all the pressures my life, and enjoy time with people who know me best, with no expectations, no responsibilities. It was incredible (plus, it’s a beautiful and interesting place – you should check it out!). Corey was a champ for taking on all three girls for three days on his own. And I’ll brag on him a little – when I came home, the house was clean, laundry and dishes done! Guys, he has set the bar high!

This whole paper pregnancy is a difficult road to walk, and a little surreal. Having carried three babies, and right now getting to watch my sister and some dear friends in their pregnancies, I have been remembering what that feels like – the discomfort, the constant trips to the bathroom, the difficulty sleeping. But also the miracle of feeling your baby kick and move and grow! I got to watch my nephew rolling around in Holly’s tummy over Thanksgiving, and I can remember what that feels like as if it were yesterday. It’s just beginning to hit me that these are things I will not get to experience with baby Russell #4. Of course, I am not complaining about getting to miss the morning sickness and stretch marks; I am just beginning to feel a sense of loss in not going through those things with our baby girl.  I held my sweet friend Courtney’s baby boy a few weeks ago & fought back the tears the whole time. He was so precious and sweet as I held him while he slept, and I knew looking at him that most likely someone else will have those moments with my baby, and I will not. I pray that whoever holds her loves her, that whether it’s her birth mother or a nanny in an orphanage that they tell her how precious and loved she is. My heart breaks to think that she may not hear those things. I ache to have her with me, to make up for lost time…and yet, that day will probably still be at least a year in the making. How can a person long for someone they’ve never met??? Having only the promise, the hope of her is enough to make me love this baby girl like the ones to whom I physically gave birth! I keep reminding my girls that even though we don’t know much about our baby – when we will bring her home, how old she will be, what her name will be – God does. It is a comfort to know that He knows her name, her birthday, her entire life. I have never had to trust the Lord with so much, and though it is hard, I know He is growing my faith. Just this week in my Bible study God gave me some verses to encourage & challenge me:

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.” Philippians 4:6-8

I have actually been quoting the first part to myself a lot these days, because quite honestly, there is a lot of temptation to anxiety right now. When I take my eyes off the Lord, when I listen to the voices of the world, I get can get anxious really fast. Seriously, from the world’s perspective, what we’re doing is crazy! And there are moments when I believe the world. So when I read verse 8 of this passage I was challenged to not only pray & relinquish my worries to the Lord, but to actively take my thoughts captive, making them obedient to Christ. I need to submit to Him, and think about things that are true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent & praiseworthy. Our thoughts can be so powerful, and I want mine to honor the Lord. God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good!

Lately, I find myself being forced to live in the moment, because each day is so full. I don’t have much time to plan ahead. I am more intentional with my time than I have ever been, but even so, there are so few moments to spare. There are good things about this. My prayer has been that I will do the important things and not neglect them, and that I will let go of the things that are really not so important. In that spirit, on Lila’s 2^nd birthday this week, the two of us spent a few hours alone together, just playing! I’m a little sad to say this is pretty rare. Usually there are two other sisters, and many responsibilities to compete for my attention. So a few hours of uninterrupted time was truly a gift! We read books, did puzzles, took a walk down our street, and laughed a lot. Two seems so big – she’s not such a baby anymore! I hope I don’t forget to take time to really see my kids for who they are. They are so beautiful and special, each in their own way. I love being their mom.

So these are the ramblings of my over-crowded mind! Life is so busy, but oh, so good. And each day brings us closer to making our family complete.