some thoughts from Julia

It's hard to even know where to begin to describe this journey we've been on that has brought us to this place. The past several months have been some of the most tumultuous, heart-wrenching times of my life. And yet, once we made our decision to adopt, I've never felt such peace in knowing we are right where we need to be. My heart has been broken again and again, both for the suffering of so many in this world of ours, and for my own ignorance and willingness to turn a deaf ear to the cries of hurting people. I could probably write a book about what the Lord has taught me about these things, but I will refrain (for now :))!

I wish that I could say that I always had a heart for adoption. So many of the adoption stories I have read speak of a life-long yearning to adopt a child, and that this is just the right time for them. But that is not my story. And to be honest, at first, it gave me pause as to whether this was a calling for me - after all, doesn't every child deserve to have parents that were always longing for them? That was just one among many reasons I listed as to why I should not do this. I wrote them down in my journal after we began discussing the possibility of adopting, and the list was long! My life is busy as it is...I was totally content with my 3 girls...sometimes the 3 I already have overwhelm me...I gave away most of my baby things...I don't think I have the energy for 4 kids...the list went on & on! Everything from the trivial (but I'm not good at keeping up with pictures/blogs/etc. for the 3 I have now!) to the truly daunting (me? raise a precious brown-skinned girl in my mostly vanilla world?) crossed my mind. But what the Lord kept showing me is that I was looking at what man can do, what I can do by myself. And He has me exactly where He wants me: needing Him to do what He calls me to do, giving Him all the glory because clearly none of it belongs to me.

"In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps." (Proverbs 16:9). Were my life up to me, I would be well on my way to having a little time for myself. Or at least that was what I had started looking forward to - next year, Lila would be in pre-school with Addie two days a week and I could finally do a little grocery shopping by myself! I could get laundry done and put away all in one day! I might even have lunch with a friend on occasion without wrestling someone into a high chair or trying to coax someone into eating her chicken nugget. And on an even holier note, I could finally have time to lead a Bible study or serve on a ministry (side note- God called me out of the blue to serve in leadership in a Bible study this year just a few weeks before we sensed the calling to adopt. I truly believe He was, in part, giving me an opportunity to test my obedience in a much smaller calling, before He allowed me to see what bigger things He wanted me to do for Him!). And to top it all off, as most of my friends and family can attest, I was clearly sooo done having kids. I love the precious girls I have, but they are not exactly a cake walk. Russell girls are nothing if not strong-willed and dramatic! But God has a way of changing our minds. And He's pretty persuasive.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-6

The words to that Proverb have been going around & around in my head for weeks now (actually, I've been singing those words to the tune of two different songs I've taught my kids!). I can't say that I completely understand how to trust in the Lord with all my heart, or what it means to acknowledge Him in all my ways, but I'm choosing to take steps of faith that show I believe His word to be true, and that His promises never fail. And God is faithful to grow my understanding of Him as I trust Him more! It occurred to me after weeks of reciting these words in my head and of reminding myself to trust Him, that one of the things He wants to teach me is at the end of that verse: He will make your paths straight. It doesn't say He will make your paths easy. It doesn't say He will make your paths popular or loads of fun. But He does say that He will make them straight. When we trust & acknowledge Him, He directs us, shows us the way to go, and walks with us on the path. And there is great comfort in that.  As we have begun this new chapter of our lives in adopting a baby from Ethiopia there have been many temptations to fear. But He is good to remind me that I fear when I start trusting in the world more than I trust Him. His mercies are new every morning...great is His faithfulness! I can't say that we have this whole thing figured out, or that we know what the next 12-18 months will hold. But I can say that it is remarkable how God can take a woman who was "so done" having kids and ready to move on to that next chapter in life that doesn't include diapers, and give me a longing for the baby girl who is most likely growing in the belly of a woman somewhere in Ethiopia right now. Knowing that she will likely spend several months of her life in an orphanage, without hearing me whisper "I love you" a million times a day and kiss her sweet cheeks like I did with my biological babies breaks my heart. But the thought that if I were to say no to adopting her, she would probably grow up never hearing it breaks my heart more. How could I say no, knowing that?

I know, lots of heavy stuff. But its been rolling around in my head for months, and it feels good to share it! Thank you to all of you who have been so supportive of us and excited about what God has in store for our family - we are so blessed to be in a community of loved ones who is on board & ready to take the ride with us!

PS - Don't you love our Go. Seek. Love. shirts?  Our friend's the Cox's are also adopting a baby girl from Ethiopia & sold these t-shirts to help bring her home. You missed your chance to get the shirts, but check out their blog to get some great coffee and support them! (And hopefully someday I'll get a picture of my whole family looking at the camera & smiling. Maybe.)