Confession...and encouragement!

Confession: in the past few months, I have grown tired. Soul weary, in fact. A little discouraged even. The intensity of what started in our hearts in August of 2010 has never gone away, but I confess, it has waned a bit. Keeping the level of passion we first felt for adoption would have been pretty difficult to sustain. Don't hear me saying we aren't still all in - never once have we questioned whether this is where God is leading us. We are confident in His direction, and we know there is a baby girl waiting in Ethiopia for her forever family, and that we are that family. I praise God for His grace in allowing us to never grow bitter or decide this is just too hard and give up. 

In 5 months we moved 3 spots on the unofficial wait list. 3. I can't tell you how many times people would ask how things were going on the adoption front & my answer has been the same - "no movement". I don't ever want people to stop asking...I just want the answers to be different! I have been thankful for the gift of psalms of lament that give voice (and permission!) to be soul weary. In particular, Psalm 13 has resonated with me:

How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever?

How long will you hide your face from me?

How long must I wrestle with my thoughts

and every day have sorrow in my heart?

How long will my enemy triumph over me?

Look on me and answer me, O Lord my God.

Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death;

my enemy will say, "I have overcome him,"

and my foes will rejoice when I fall.

I read those words first in June of 2011 & felt they were true for me even then. Nearly 2 years later, they still ring true. But what I love about this Psalm is what comes next:

But I trust in your unfailing love;

my heart rejoices in your salvation.

I will sing to the Lord

for he has been good to me.

Even in the midst of discouragement and despair, it is possible to still choose to trust in the Lord. Not in circumstances or how they will change, but in HIM. Regardless of how things play out, He is good. He loves me, he saved me, he has been exceedingly good to me. And He is worthy of praise, even in this long wait. Jesus is enough.

Our small group recently did a series of lessons on prayer, and Corey and I both came away from it convicted that our prayers have not been bold enough. We decided we would start asking the Lord to bring our baby girl home in 2013, and we've been asking others to join us. We know He might not choose to answer our prayer in the way we hope, and if He does not, we will trust Him in that. But we want to ask, because we believe He can do it, and if He chooses to answer in that way, all glory will be to Him. We also felt convicted that we not only need to pray more boldly, but we need to step out in faith. Those books we have been supposed to be reading in preparation (that have been piling up on the bedside table) need to be dusted off & read with renewed enthusiasm. 

This isn't even all of them!

That bedroom that has been sitting half finished for two years...well, its time to prepare a place for our youngest daughter. 

I think of all the bedding I've had for my 4 girls, this is my favorite yet!

So, bedding has been bought, furniture painted, and my heart has opened a little wider to the possibility that it may not remain empty much longer. Its a risky bet, putting my heart on the line when I've had to protect it for so long. But she is worth the risk! My faith is in God alone, and He is trustworthy. He will keep His promises. And I will hold my baby girl in His timing. 

We began to pray that prayer, and a few weeks later, within two weeks, we moved 8 spots on the wait list! Number 17 for a baby girl, 6 for a toddler. Amazing! We see this as a true answer to prayer by many people of faith who are interceding on our behalf. It is some much needed encouragement to press on, to keep the faith!

Each heart represents a child that has found their forever family...we tear one off for each spot we move on the wait list (thanks again Aunt Holly!)

So its a hope, guarded though it may be, that this is the year we will see that sweet face. This is the third year we have started the year with our plans on hold, thinking we need to save vacation days for the possibility of a trip to Africa. But what we are learning is that when life is in limbo, when things are uncertain, we are far more likely to cling to the One who never changes. And that's a good place to be... we are confident in this, that He who began a good work in us will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus (Philippians 1:6)!